Can you picture it? Trying and trying to conceive for two years after 10 years of saying no I don’t want kids? The look on my face when I read the test and it said PREGNANT was one of total shock and disbelief. Is this really happening I thought? Testing again the next day and going to doctor to get it confirmed is exactly what I did…because I HAD TO BE SURE. Waiting for two years seemed like a long time to so many and some always said - it will happen on GOD’s time…not yours. How right they were!!

Why did I wait so long you ask?? Honestly I was AFRAID I couldn’t handle the pressure of being a parent, have patience for it, or better yet…be a good mom. I was listening to my personal development today and she said as a new mom…you have TWO things on your TO DO LIST…they are as follows:

1. Take care of the baby.

2. Take care of yourself.

If you were alive and so was the baby at the end of the day than you are a great mom!

I didn’t see it that way. I put A LOT of pressure on myself because house chores became this daunting task, laundry was piling up, dishes overflowed, and let’s be real…I was exhausted!

Shawn was born with clubfeet so we had casts put on when he was born. I knew it would be hard for him, but little did I know the sleep would never come for a solid year. It was horrible. I was literally getting 3-5 hours a night - IF THAT and I just thought…this is NEVER going to end!! When will this get better? When will this get easier?

It wasn’t until he got his surgery at two years old that it ALL came together and he FINALLY started sleeping through the night. I didn’t know what to do with myself than! A FULL night of sleeping - are you serious!!??

You know what else was crazy? I never let myself FULLY enjoy being a new mom…because I had fears that he would die on me in the middle of the night. I felt like if I for sure fell asleep he won’t make it…so I put this unnecessary pressure on myself for no reason whatsoever. He was healthy but he did have re-flux so that worried me too! The constant screaming and crying drove me crazy and I kept thinking…I am a total and utter failure at being a mom. Did I give him re-flux from what I ate? Did I pass on my clubfeet to him when he was conceived? This is my fault and I suck at this!!

Needless to say…I blamed myself all the time for things that I felt like I should have control over, but in fact…I didn’t. That bothers me…I am a control freak…so by nature, I want to fix it…I want it right…and I want it RIGHT NOW. LOL So being a new mom was honestly VERY hard for me. I was very stressed, worried, and imagined the worst because I was a negative person than.

BUT - that is right…a big OLE BUT….

When I looked down at Shawn…a baby that I had prayed for and saw his little cheeks, his little fingers, and his dark eyes, I knew all was right with the world…but again I always felt the pressure to never let him down or fail him.

What I learned today…is that by me CARING and ENGAGING so much with those feelings that it did make me a great mom towards Shawn, but I wasn’t being fair to myself. God created me to care for this baby…to be his mom…and to watch and protect him, and with God by my side…there is NO WAY I could fail him.

So if you are a new mom, a parent who worries all the time if she is doing the right thing by her child, than know this.

Your child is sooo very lucky to have a parent who cares so much about them. They need love, protection, food, shelter, and for YOU to teach them right from wrong and if you are doing that, than you are doing a fantastic job as a parent! Don’t be a Rebecca…take the pressure off…enjoy that sweet child of yours, and keep reminding yourself that God doesn’t make mistakes my friend - YOU GOT THIS!!!

Rebecca MillerComment