STRUGGLING WITH GUILT LATELY AND I HATE IT!!
Have you ever felt so guilty for doing things you know you HAVE to do?? That is me here lately! I am having a hard time leaving Shawn in the mornings and I know what you are thinking...GEEZ Rebecca...HE IS 4!! Get over it!
See the thing is…I can't. It must be where he is going to Pre-K next month because I just feel like I missed out on his life. Working full time, having a child, and putting him in daycare at 6 weeks old CRUSHED my soul. Like seriously depression over it and even as I type this...I am crying.
I feel like I missed out his life and while that isn't true, that is just how I feel. I am there in the evenings, but if you add up the hours I missed do you realize that comes to over 8,320 hours (40*52*4) I basically wasn't with him?!?!
That hurts my heart as a mother because I feel like a failure. In those 8,320 hours I feel like did he ever think, "Mommy doesn't love me because she isn't here?" Did he ever think, "I fell and got a boo boo, but she isn't here and I have some other people taking care of me, but I want her! WHY!?!"
Yeah folks....see for me, the struggle is REAL! I have this guilt that I am not a good mother because I work full time and I HATE that feeling! Can you relate?
I am reading my personal development as I always do, because let's be real...if I didn't...I would wallow in my anxiety and my negative thoughts. Yeah I still get them...not going to lie...but without personal development...I would sink!
She done a whole chapter in regards to GUILT and she wanted us to understand that if we wasn't hurting anyone and everyone is ok, basically it is just a feeling we CAN control. She recommended coming clean WHY we feel this way and so that is why I am making this blog post...to come clean with it all.
My mom was always there for us, and I have a closeness with her....she never really worked while we were home and I wish I could have done the same for Shawn. Heck....I LOVE blogging and that is how I would have spent my time because I enjoy writing so much. So yeah...I feel I didn't deliver the same kind of life, I was given, and I have guilt over it.
She said we need to remind ourselves daily of why our guilt isn't true...so mine will be:
Just because I had to work doesn't mean I don't LOVE Shawn any less. I was there when I had to be and I have given him the BEST life I know how. Times are different now and things cost money so it does require two incomes these days. Just because you are working doesn't mean you can't have a family or the same kind of bond you had with your mom. Today I will ALLOW myself rest from the guilt, because you are one amazing mother and the ONLY one who will ever LOVE him more than God does. God doesn't make mistakes...you were meant to have this little boy...never discount it...never feel like you didn't give him your all...BECAUSE YOU HAVE! Keep enjoying him everyday and feel the LOVE and gratitude for the time you do have together vs. giving yourself UNNEEDED stress for not being there! More positive time = more quality time!
So see...when I read this...It gives me hope that I didn't screw up and it gives me peace that I am doing my best as a mom! It had to be created and I had to get it on "paper" because this blog is basically my diary...I share everything here and guess what?? I feel better for it!
Is there something you are struggling with that you need help on? We can always chat, because being a parent isn't easy...believe me...but it is ooooohhhhh so worth it!
I LOVE YOU SHAWN MATTHEW!!